Sunday, October 7, 2012

That's a serious game changer!

So we've got some new information that's sorta shifted my world upside down.

During General Conference today it was announced that the age requirement for serving a mission had been lowered. Men, who before went off at 19 to serve two years, can now leave at the age of 18 so long as they have graduated from high school.

But I'm a woman, so lets focus on that change...

Previously, women could put their papers in and serve a mission at the age of 21 for a year and a half. Now... they can go at 19.

I turn 19 in less than a year.

Whoa.

like, whoa.

Now, I'm going to explain a couple of things for the few non-members who might read this.

Typically, a surprisingly large amount of women weren't serving missions at 21. Now, this wasn't because they didn't want to, no, they were just married, or close to it. Especially here at BYU. So many women wouldn't think or prepare to serve a mission because they were sure they'd just get married first.

But now all of that has changed.

I was always a little so-so on the whole mission thing. It's not that I want to get married right away or anything, its just, to be honest, I've always been a little terrified of the idea. Not to mention I never thought I would be good enough to go.

So I had always planned to approach the issue when I was older, and close to graduating from college. I was thinking that I'd even wait until I had graduated before heading off, and I was sure that I'd be mature enough to handle it then.

But that would have meant that I'd be 23 before I'd leave.

Now there's this whole new possibility. That I could leave, next summer, and spend a year and a half serving the Lord somewhere in the world (Maybe Italy, please Heavenly Father? Please?)

A huge part of me recognizes this HUGE opportunity. 

but another part is scared out of my mind. 

What if I'm a terrible missionary? I can barely regulate myself in a reasonable schedule, how can I be expected to get up at 6am with no trouble whatsoever? What if I somehow manage to screw up other people's lives instead of helping them? 

I can barely make it two to three days without talking to my mom, and I'm supposed to go a year and a half and only talk to her three times? 

And deep down, I know that I'm just lost in a massive whirlwind of changes that come with being a brand new adult striking out on my own. My faith, my testimony, and my relationship with the gospel is nowhere near strong. I question everything, and have no idea what exactly it is that I believe. How am I supposed to spread the gospel to other people when I'm just as, or even more confused than they are?

But then I look at all of the people I've seen go on missions and come back. My brother. I swear, he was a different person when he came back, still the same, but a much stronger, more confident individual, albeit in a very quiet way. He knew who he was when he came back. He knew how to face the hard stuff...something I'm really not good at.

Several of my cousins have gone and come back. And each one I've seen (specifically Steven and Ashley, sorry to call you out guys, but I just need to say it...) have come back, and still been the same, but held a quiet confidence that feels like they could take on the world if they wanted to. It's really an amazing thing.

And of course, there's always the simplest part... yes, I do want to serve, but its merely a matter of when. Not only do I need to be prepared, but it needs to coincide with my education, something that I value highly after the Gospel.

Do I go now, which will actually be less complicating for my educational career, or later, where there will be more details to figure out and more work to do, but I might be more prepared in the end?

Either way I know that it'll end up being one of the most difficult fights of my life, and given how difficult the end of high school was for me, am I ready to go into round 2?

And of course, some would say that if I just trust in the Lord, then all of my worries and struggles will work out eventually, through patience and putting my heart and soul into the work.

But trusting the Lord isn't what I'm worried about. It's trusting ME. I've had enough experience to know that I can't trust myself. And that's what really scares me. Can I work hard enough for the Lord and for the church and not leave them disappointed like I have for so many people for so many years of my life?

I can put my papers in as early as March. I guess we'll have to see how it goes from now til then. Who knows what will happen? Maybe I'll get a curveball from out of nowhere, and all of my plans will be knocked into left field. Maybe I'll meet a guy....

Just kidding. If I got engaged my freshman year of college I think my parents would kill me.
Although, that is what happened to mom, but that's not the point. 

So maybe I'll get to pull out Maude's (my grandmother on my fathers' side) missionary nametag sooner than I thought. 

Well, lots to think about.

Maybe I'll get sent here...

Globe Theatre in London


St. Paul's Cathedral, London

or here...

Canal in Venice

Alley in Venice

Yup... I got some photo editing done ;)

Live, Laugh, Photograph.



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